Halfelven is confused

Should be doing instead of blogging: Working on my book. I'm making a bit of progress, actually, but you can only make so much progress when you don't have a detailed plan.

Life is such a confusing thing. Just when you think you're getting things figured out, you're thrown something that you're not prepared to deal with. So you fight it for a while, hoping that the situation resolves itself. At some point, you decide that fighting it isn't working, and you go along with things to see how they work out. After all, surely if you just follow the thing through to a conclusion, it'll resolve itself.

Before you know it, things seem out of hand, your friends are all telling you to do the same, perfectly logical thing (which, of course, is different from the perfectly irrational thing you've been doing all this time), and you're trying to figure out how you've gotten into this situation in the first place.

I'm generally a thoughtful, rational person. I'm the one who is always told by many people that I have a good head on my shoulders. Also, while I like to have a line of reasoning to back up my decisions, I also have great intuitions that are usually dead-on. It all seems like a fairly fail-safe combination — when reason fails me, at least I have my instincts, right?

Of course, I've been known to go against my instincts, which usually leads me into some kind of mess. My problem is that because I'm very sensible, I often find myself feeling that I'm too safe, so I decide to take a chance going against my sensibilities. Sometimes it would be useful to be a precog, and see a few months into the future, just to see where my deliberate lapses in judgement will lead me. Hell, right now I'd be happy just seeing what's going to happen next week.

Why does life have to keep getting more and more complicated?

Fear of the unknown — or of the loss of contentment?

Should be doing instead of blogging: Shredding receipts, maybe? I'm good with sitting here right now.

So it's been a while since my last post. Life has been pretty crazy lately, and every time I think of blogging, I get sidetracked with one thing or another.

I made a connection that has been floating around on the edge of my consciousness, but I couldn't focus in on it until today. It started when my friend linked me to an article on perfectionism — a weakness we both suffer from. Over the past couple of years, I've thought that I've been doing really well taming my perfectionistic inner monster. However, I've noticed that I've either regressed or just still need a great deal of improvement. I think I just need improvement. One thing that doesn't help, though: I'm a self-declared pessimist.

It works like this: I'm working on something, talking about something, or just making a passing comment, and suddenly I'm being told that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. It's something I don't even realise I'm doing. So I start thinking about what I've said, and what I think about myself, and the response I'm getting, and it's a bit depressing. While I am always reading about and looking for ways to improve myself, not only does my perfectionism get in the way, making me feel like I'm not good enough for A, B, or C, but my pessimism convinces me that I'm simply not going to be good enough for anything, either.

When I got to one of my standby wifi spots tonight, I googled "perfectionism and pessimism" to see the connection between them. I found this article that showed me that my pessimism was contributing to my perfectionist's fears. It was interesting to see because I don't usually make the connection. It also let me know that my fears are what hold me back, and that my perfectionism sprouts from the fears rather than the other way around, which is what I thought before.

I think my fears are why I've stayed so clear of things like relationships and huge, risky career decisions like starting my own business. Although I know I'm smart, cute, capable, interesting, have very good instincts, etc., I find myself thinking that I'm nowhere up to the level I need to be to pursue a successful relationship/career/any important personal decision. I've never been the type of person who just jumps into a big decision and hopes for the best — I'm sometimes almost terrified of finding myself in something good but short-lived, because the fear of loss and the hurt from that is something I don't want to face. And this makes me not take the chances I know I should take.

Now I need to go study another article tonight, on overcoming fears.

Death and taxes? Let's hold off on the death bit right now

Should be doing instead of blogging: Sleeping. Either that or my taxes. I think I'll go to bed after I post this...leave the number crunching for tomorrow.

Why is doing taxes always a pain, even when your situation isn't very complicated? Unfortunately, my mind tends to shut down when I'm doing something that involves calculating numbers. I've been told it's because I'm a writer, because I'm a woman, and because some people just don't have a head for numbers. I don't believe that, but a lifetime of psychology is hard to break. Also, I do remember having a tough time with math during the few years I was in public school. Imagine if I owned that business I have on my future goals list. I'd definitely need an accountant to manage that for me (actually, it's mostly that financial/tax law bit that's kept me from starting up my own business so far. The actual business management part sounds doable, and I could deal with the marketing).

It sounds like something I need to break up into next actions...I really need to buy a new copy of Getting Things Done now that I'm pretty sure I'll never get my own copy back (oh, well, it went to a good cause). Actually, I could stand to break up all my current tasks into next actions. It's definitely time to review GTD.

Family computer maintenance is a bitch

Should be doing instead of blogging: Putting away the pile of clean laundry in my chair. Bottles of Downy Wrinkle Releaser only do so much.

It's so much easier being nicer when you don't say much during the day and the brother is gone for the evening. However, when you take the opportunity to run maintenance on the family computer, it's time to start working on the "be nice" thing again.

Maintenance on the family computer used to be complete hell. There is a definite Windows Effect that makes the computer slow to a halt within a year (if that) of buying it. When it's a seven year-old Dell, make sure you have a long to-do list of other tasks to go with "maintaining the computer," because you're going to need to keep yourself occupied while you're waiting for the Start menu to open, the program to launch, the command to register, etc.

Did I mention that it's also the tech-savvy person's curse to have family that will encounter every issue you've rarely or never had before? Half of my mom's ripped mp3s skip like scratched CDs, my brother's games mysteriously don't open, and Mom insists that she can't bank online using Firefox, even though I've repeatedly told her I've never had any trouble using Firefox to access the same online banking site.

So when I got the laptop at the beginning of the year, I decided to do a good deed and make my life easier at the same time by lending/pretty much donating my iMac to the family cause. Not only does this help convert the family to Mac, it also drastically cuts down on my maintenance time. How much could they do to a Mac?

Well, one week into having it, they trashed the mouse. I didn't have a problem with that mouse for two years — they have it for a week, and the thing refuses to acknowledge clicking. Good thing I have the Wacom tablet and that mouse, though I've been wanting to scan in my latest character drawing attempts and color them in, which doesn't work well with a laptop trackpad.

Unfortunately, if I want to see my tablet again, they're going to need a mouse. Hopefully I can get them to use part of their Amazon credit towards one.

Valentine's Day gifts to myself

Should be doing instead of blogging: Conculturing, like I told myself I was going to do. My plan: go to a coffee shop I've been wanting to go to but hadn't yet, and sitting and working out some of the details of my project setting. Sitting in front of the wall filled with bags of The Eastern Shore Tea Company's products does not lend itself well to undistracted writing.

I told my friends that I was buying myself roses for Valentine's Day, and I got a sympathetic response from the guy in the group. Obviously, he misinterpreted my reasons for buying myself flowers. White and red roses are my favorite flowers, and what better time to buy them than when you're seeing them all over the place? I do not believe that you need to wait for a guy to give you nice flowers. If I was a little bolder, I'd have asked him if he was volunteering to supply me with some white roses, but I'm still working on that timidity issue of mine (yes, even with people that I'm comfortable around). The positive, self-confident Halfelven is still very much in progress.

Anyway, I stopped at the store after work to pick up some food, and spent some time as the only girl in the floral department on the day before Valentine's Day. Unfortunately, the nicest white roses were more expensive than the other roses in the containers sitting in the front of the department, so I bought some light pink ones. After I brought them home, I got an equally sympathetic reaction from my mom, whose eternal hope seems to be that I don't ever have to buy myself flowers again.

Even the nicest people have a tendency to really miss the point of something.

Halfelven needs sleep

Should be doing instead of blogging: Working on my book. But at least I'm generating some sort of written output.

Insomnia's a bitch. Well, I do eventually get to sleep, but when you have enough days where you've spent a great deal of time tossing and turning in bed, then combine them with a cold and the incoming crimson tide, the result is a fairly sucky week.

I put it to some use this morning, writing some fiction since sleeping wasn't happening, anyway. It's also given me some time to think about many random things. I feel like I haven't made any progress at all towards my goals. Granted, the combination of sleeplessness, sickness, and girl issues can't possibly help me here, but I'm very negative towards myself even on a good week. I'm thinking that instead of beating myself up about having a pile of craft supplies I'm still trying to figure out how to sort and store, or about not making much progress on my book, I need to take some time to work internally and shape up my attitude. After all, how much progress am I going to make if I'm not positive and confident that I can accomplish my goals? If nothing else, maybe it will make me a nicer person.

It's worth a shot, right? I need to develop the specifics of this plan and put it into action.

At least I don't have to spend the day in a bacta tank

Should be doing instead of blogging: Absolutely nothing. It's my sick day, and if I want to watch The Empire Strikes Back while writing, then I'm going to.

Actually, the problem with sick days that you take when you're actually sick, is that you generally do a whole lot of nothing. I spent the entire day on the couch, surfing the internet and playing Xargon and Commander Keen. It only hit me about an hour ago that I could've watched the Star Wars Trilogy (and then the wtf prequels) today if my head was just slightly clearer this morning to consider it, and if my brother was a little less annoying when I stay home from work.

Now that I think of it, I could've probably gotten him to set up the movies for me and bring me drinks and snacks all day.

Speaking of Star Wars, do you know who Rogue Two was during The Battle of Hoth in Episode V? Zev Senesca. As a SW movie geek (I admit that I don't read many of the books beyond Timothy Zahn's), I've failed for not knowing that. Okay, so it's not going to ruin my life, but it's going to stick with me for the next couple of weeks.

Sometimes halfelves get sick, too

Should be doing instead of blogging: Sleeping. If only I could.

Spent all day at work helping tie up a major loose end to a big project. Since I've had some lovely trouble sleeping, and thought it might be a good idea to start limiting my caffeine consumption just a little (I sure do pick great days for these brilliant ideas), I was tired and pretty miserable all morning. A few hours after riding the high of a lunchtime caffeine boost from a bottle of soda that you couldn't have pried away from me, I figured that I was starting to feel the crash.

Apparently not.

Luckily, I had the sense to pick up some cold medicine on the way home, and crashed not long after I got home. Unfortunately, now I can't get back to sleep. So here I am, typing away and updating a Facebook that someone set me up with a year or two ago, and I've never even looked at.

Hopefully, I can get some sleep and feel well enough to get to work tomorrow. Not that taking a sick day would kill me — and my coworkers would probably appreciate it.

Damn the Valentine's Day mindset

Should be doing instead of blogging: So many things. Screw it.

It's not something I tend to write about, but I won't write too many of these. Scribe, if you're checking this still, don't kill me for my obsessing. ;-)

Quirkyalones are militant Romantics. It takes courage to keep holding out when you are told that you are holding out for an ideal that does not exist.. -Sasha Cagen

I picked up Cagen's book Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics from the library booksale a couple of years ago. It was going to be altered book fodder, but I started reading it, and liked it well enough to keep it in my library. So much of it sounds so much like me. It's nice to know there are other people with my views on relationships and singleness. Before I read the book, I felt like I was living a great oxymoron: I'm generally a contentedly single romantic.

Being (usually) contentedly single makes me very different from my sister, who never seems to be happy unless she has a boyfriend. Between boyfriends, she'll date nearly any guy who looks interested in her. When she's in a relationship, she mocks my decidedly single life. Unlike her, I have never been in a romantic relationship, and in a bit short of twenty-five years, have only had two major crushes/attractions/what the hell do you call them when they're more than just nice eyes and sweet personalities? It doesn't make me better than her, but I'm very happy I don't feel a need to have a man at my side the way she seems to.

Because I'm obviously not typical relationship material, I probably give the impression that I'm not a romantic and want to be alone for the rest of my life. Not true. I am such a terrible, hopeless, undying romantic, and would very much like someone else to share my life with. My view of romance, though, is not clichè.

I don't like diamonds, am not incredibly keen on chocolate, and have a very aggressive defense mechanism towards greeting card-style sentimentality. Show me you love me — don't just give me a card. I am also extraordinarily picky, with a mental list of mate criteria that ranges from important things like his personality, his interests, and an ability to spark in me the desire to be a better person (and for me to do the same for him), to the more superficial characteristics of age range, height and build, and whether he's likely to grey nicely and keep at least most of his hair. I suppose that strong instincts and a love of the fantastic contributes to my unconventional romanticism as well.

Sometimes, though, unconventional romanticism gets a bit lonely. I have to be careful not to fall into depression during the lonely times. I'm also notorious for making excessive efforts to "snap myself back to reality," which leads me to unconsciously sabotage myself and/or excessively analyze and criticize myself the moment I find myself noticing a guy I might be interested in. Know The White Stripes' song "A Martyr for My Love for You"? Much of it sounds like something I would say. I can see myself very easily getting scared and running in fear that I'm letting my active, romantic imagination get the best of me.

So, where's that fine line between romantic obsession/infatuation/overactive imagination, and something solid to hold on to? There has to be something solid out there, right? Am I pushing it away, fearing it might be instability that I'm mistaking for stability? I feel too often like I'm afraid of screwing up, so I don't live.

Halfelven's getting girly. Be afraid?

Should be doing instead of blogging: Sleeping. Workweek lack of sleep is a killer on the weekend.

I'm slowly going from an indifferent female to an actual girl. I now have a new category of stuff to keep organized: makeup and cosmetics.

Wait...Halfelven wears makeup?

Yes, this is one of those believe-it-or-not things in life. I've gone beyond the CoverGirl concealer stick and pressed powder compact to better quality and (unfortunately for my cheap nature) more expensive concealers and powder compacts. And I'm almost always wearing some kind of lipstick or lip stain. And I have an actual collection of nail polish, though it's very infrequently worn due to my impatience with painting it on, touching it up, waiting for it to dry, having it chip the next day, etc. Eyeshadow is worn only once every week or two, but I'm amassing a collection of that, too, and use it more frequently, now that I know how to apply it.

My hair and skincare supplies have also improved. I buy more salon-quality haircare products, and have currently left the world of Clean and Clear in my teens and college days. Needless to say, I get a lot of points lately from Ulta.com.

Thanks to this new habit, I've created a collection that I now have to organize. Sure, it's considerably smaller than many women's makeup, skincare, and haircare collections, but it no longer fits lined up on a shelf in my medicine cabinet. Add that I'm the type of person who needs to keep duplicates in her bag so that she can apply part of her makeup on the way to work, and suddenly I have a lot of crap to keep in order. Right now, the small, clear plastic box method is partly working, but it may be tackle box time for the eyeshadow and nail polish and makeup brushes.

Is it the end of my minimalism goal? Like with my craft supplies, it looks like I just need to prioritize, find out what is important, and what is just taking up space. If I can keep it organized, and if I use it and like it, then, like with the craft supplies, I have no problem with keeping it.

Lately, when I'm thinking about my minimalism goal and my decluttering goals, I'm happy with bringing them back to the forefront of my mind. I'm not depressed about the craft supplies multiplying and springing up again, or having a new collection of items to organize. One day, I'll get to the point where I can fit my belongings in just a couple of bags and be happy that way. As long as I'm actually working on my goals, I'm fine right now.

Filing Doesn't Have to be Scary

It's my front desk partner-in-crime's first day on a two-week vacation and I also managed to muck up my boss' office supply order, giving me more work for the afternoon. Therefore, today was a little more hectic than usual, and left me little time for continuing my Snowflake novel planning. I did, however, take the time at lunch to read a bit about antagonists to see if I could fix my shallow "bad guy" a bit. The pocket in the back of my moleskine filled to bulging until I could bring my notes home to transfer them to the computer.

On the non-work/writing front, I also get to tuck those notes into a special file folder in my **new** filing system. It's been about a week since I set it up, and I'm still amazed at just how useful a general reference filing system is. Instead of having a pile of writing notes, sushi recipes and organizing ideas cluttering up my desk, it's neatly stored away and easily accessible. Before reading GTD, I only thought of a filing system as something to stick my banking and credit card statements in. It's incredible to not only put things in their places, but also know that new things are easily assigned places, too.

Here are some things I've learned from rereading about filing in my now dog-eared copy of GTD:

• A folder for a weird category isn't stupid if you have material for it
  
• Folders hang better in open-bottom filing drawers if you only have one manila folder in each hanging folder
• Hanging folders are a pain, and only worth the trouble if you have an open-bottom filing drawer
• Folder labels made with a labelmaker look so nice and uniform in a filing drawer
• Both the files and the filing supplies must be easy to reach if you want to keep up on your system
• You probably don't need half the crap in your evil "to file" pile
• Comfortable old chairs are for reading in, not for the "to file" pile (well, I indirectly learned this one after I cleared the junk out of one of my major piling hotspots, discovered that it really was a chair, and moved it so I could easily reach it)

I'm not completely contented with my living space yet, but it's a lot more comfortable. I'm still trying to figure out how I managed to spend so much of my life living in so much mess.

Tougher than Decluttering

This is where I jump from decluttering and to another goal: writing the damn novel.

The thing that makes novel writing so difficult actually isn't that you have to write the thing. Writing is easy. I sit at the front desk and write pages on slow afternoons...it's one of the few things I really like about my current position in that company. I write at home. I write while I'm waiting somewhere, if I'm not reading.

It's the focusing on what you're writing part that makes novel writing so hard. I have to force myself to stand still for a moment and say "What part of this vast universe that I've created shall I write about?"

And then I have to figure out who I'm writing about, and that's harder. When you've been steadily conculturing since you were eight, you amass so many characters that you forget more of them than you could possibly fill a book with. Considering I've been conculturing and trying to find character storylines since I was eight, forgetting a great number of characters can be a good thing (at least the two or so that did survive have evolved so much that the only way I know that they came from those old drafts is because I created them in the first place).

So, I've decided against officially joining NaNoWriMo since I've already started on my latest attempt at picking a spot and person to write about. This attempt is fueled by Randy Ingermanson's Snowflake Method, which I'm currently thrilled with simply because it's helped me pinpoint that person and spot thing, as well as help me work through a storyline that doesn't sound completely lame. Time will tell on that one, though.

So there's yet another goal of mine. I'll make sure it's on the list, between "Declutter Living Space" and "Invest in Mutual Fund".

Giving Instead of Trashing

Well, I forgot about Blog Action Day until I logged into Google Reader today. Go figure. I did read about it last week on zenhabits, but then promptly forgot, even after getting excited about it. Time to review capturing ideas again in GTD. But with a little more than an hour left of Blog Action Day, I present my contribution, meager and ill-prepared as it is.

I'm no green role model for society...I have to admit I'm not very green at all. I eat a lot of organic and natural foods because that's what my mom buys and brings home, so that's what's there when I raid the fridge. My dying but current car is a gas guzzler. Mom uses essential oil blends for much of her cleaning and sanitizing, but the closest thing I have to that is baking soda and vinegar for unclogging the drain, and a spray bottle of Method all-purpose cleaner.

But I've noticed that some habits I've been developing over the past month and a half are environmentally beneficial, even if I wasn't thinking of them that way. Since early September, I've committed myself to seriously decluttering my living space and reducing the amount of stuff I own. At first, I felt bad because I was throwing a lot of things away (and learned a valuable lesson about dealing with junk mail as it comes into my life — not five years later when I find it shoved in a box). However, I've given a great deal of things away, mostly to a mission store that will send my bags of unwanted fabric and yarn to a place where people will turn them into warm quilts and socks for themselves for the winter. I've also been trading some things on SwitchPlanet, though I'm still working up the nerve to introduce myself on the boards and get to know some people there (sometimes it's a pain being an introvert).

I think that the important thing to remember while decluttering is that even though your unwanted possessions are of no more use to you, many of them are probably very useful to someone else. Don't trash what isn't trash — recycle it by donating it to a mission store or a shelter, trade it with someone else, or find someone who you know would love it. This way, the stuff you don't want is still circulating and not sitting in some landfill, doing nothing for anyone. Mom knows a little craft-loving girl, and gave at least a box worth of my old supplies to her to play with...I had no idea this girl liked crafting, and would've loved to just randomly receive a box of secondhand supplies to play with at her age. Just don't throw actual trash in the donation boxes, okay (my family has always been careful about this, but I've heard of too many people who throw unusable junk into mission boxes)? And recycle the recyclables, but that's a given.

The Accidental GTDer

My take on the 100 Thing Challenge has been going well this week. I've managed to sort through at least one box every day after work. The things inside go in their appropriate labeled boxes, the giveaway box, the reference box or the trash — and it's my first time I haven't made a "Deal With It Later" pile/box/grocery bag. I go shelf by shelf in my closet, pulling out the next box that needs sorting. Then I sort it from top to bottom, one item at a time, without putting any item back into the box that I just pulled it from. I just need to take this bit by bit so I don't burn out halfway through sorting this time.

The only thing I've been disappointed about this week is that my sudden need to declutter my craft stash interfered with the beginning stages of implementing GTD. No, really. My inbox is buried in craft supplies. So while I was at work yesterday, thinking about how I was failing miserably in my attempt to Get Things Done, I suddenly realised that I wasn't failing as miserably as I thought. Here's why:

• Before I pulled the fabric boxes out from under the bed and took the bed apart, I visualized exactly what I wanted my end result to be for this project — a clean, tidy, even somewhat minimalist living space. I knew what I was going for before I started forming my plans.
• I decided on my next action before starting: sort through the series of boxes by placing things in the keep boxes, giveaway boxes, reference box, or trash. This project consists of far more than this seemingly endless sorting.
  
• Everything is sorted without advance thought to which boxes are easiest to sort through. If I pull out an easy box, cool. If I don't, it's sorted anyway.
  
• The only things going back into the craft closet are clearly labeled clear plastic boxes containing things I want enough to keep (part of my project goal). They are not placed on unsorted shelves.
  

It's clumsy as far as GTD is concerned, but this somewhat GTD-influenced system is a lot easier and more efficient than any of my previous attempts. I think it's still a decent start for a fairly clueless beginner. Now to work on sorting so that I can find my inbox again.

Back to the old habits

I've been working this week on establishing systems so that I don't have to think about the routine things I do. Lately, just my routines (or my lack thereof) start to zap my energy, and I end up just wasting time in front of the computer. Now, I know I don't have to live like this...I did well when I kept a Control Journal when I followed FlyLady's system. However, after I stopped FlyLady's system (sometime after I unsubscribed from her list...the email clutter was getting stressful), the daily routines that kept me going gradually stopped.

So recently, after discovering Zen Habits, I read the article Streamlining Your Life and said to myself, "Hey! I do this! Did...something like this...at some point...though now it's hardly there." On a positive note, making my bed in the morning and laying out my clothes the night before stuck even after many of the other routines I established fell apart.

Anyway, as I was reading, I remembered why routines (Leo at Zen Habits calls them "systems", and I like the sound of that for whatever reason) are so useful: they keep you from having to stress over the everyday things. When you're not wasting energy stressing over the constant things like errand running, laundry and remembering when your appointments are, you get to use that energy doing something useful and enjoyable, like decorating, altering books or using the gym membership you took out and have only used once in the past two and a half weeks. It's a bit of structure to free up creative time, which satisfies both sides of my fairly balanced brain.

I started re-establishing my own systems, taking into account the changes that have happened in life over the past several months, and even started following the ones I've revisited. Life's already starting to feel saner.

Now to get that gym time in.