Fear of the unknown — or of the loss of contentment?

Should be doing instead of blogging: Shredding receipts, maybe? I'm good with sitting here right now.

So it's been a while since my last post. Life has been pretty crazy lately, and every time I think of blogging, I get sidetracked with one thing or another.

I made a connection that has been floating around on the edge of my consciousness, but I couldn't focus in on it until today. It started when my friend linked me to an article on perfectionism — a weakness we both suffer from. Over the past couple of years, I've thought that I've been doing really well taming my perfectionistic inner monster. However, I've noticed that I've either regressed or just still need a great deal of improvement. I think I just need improvement. One thing that doesn't help, though: I'm a self-declared pessimist.

It works like this: I'm working on something, talking about something, or just making a passing comment, and suddenly I'm being told that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. It's something I don't even realise I'm doing. So I start thinking about what I've said, and what I think about myself, and the response I'm getting, and it's a bit depressing. While I am always reading about and looking for ways to improve myself, not only does my perfectionism get in the way, making me feel like I'm not good enough for A, B, or C, but my pessimism convinces me that I'm simply not going to be good enough for anything, either.

When I got to one of my standby wifi spots tonight, I googled "perfectionism and pessimism" to see the connection between them. I found this article that showed me that my pessimism was contributing to my perfectionist's fears. It was interesting to see because I don't usually make the connection. It also let me know that my fears are what hold me back, and that my perfectionism sprouts from the fears rather than the other way around, which is what I thought before.

I think my fears are why I've stayed so clear of things like relationships and huge, risky career decisions like starting my own business. Although I know I'm smart, cute, capable, interesting, have very good instincts, etc., I find myself thinking that I'm nowhere up to the level I need to be to pursue a successful relationship/career/any important personal decision. I've never been the type of person who just jumps into a big decision and hopes for the best — I'm sometimes almost terrified of finding myself in something good but short-lived, because the fear of loss and the hurt from that is something I don't want to face. And this makes me not take the chances I know I should take.

Now I need to go study another article tonight, on overcoming fears.

Death and taxes? Let's hold off on the death bit right now

Should be doing instead of blogging: Sleeping. Either that or my taxes. I think I'll go to bed after I post this...leave the number crunching for tomorrow.

Why is doing taxes always a pain, even when your situation isn't very complicated? Unfortunately, my mind tends to shut down when I'm doing something that involves calculating numbers. I've been told it's because I'm a writer, because I'm a woman, and because some people just don't have a head for numbers. I don't believe that, but a lifetime of psychology is hard to break. Also, I do remember having a tough time with math during the few years I was in public school. Imagine if I owned that business I have on my future goals list. I'd definitely need an accountant to manage that for me (actually, it's mostly that financial/tax law bit that's kept me from starting up my own business so far. The actual business management part sounds doable, and I could deal with the marketing).

It sounds like something I need to break up into next actions...I really need to buy a new copy of Getting Things Done now that I'm pretty sure I'll never get my own copy back (oh, well, it went to a good cause). Actually, I could stand to break up all my current tasks into next actions. It's definitely time to review GTD.

So I'm trying to improve...

So I made an honest effort to keep my biting tongue relatively still today, though it wasn't a stunning improvement. There are just so many situations that call for smart-assed comments, and I'm so used to providing that commentary. Of course, I've been known to provide too much commentary.

I think I did all right. At least I was trying to pay attention to what I say, and found that I say some weird things. I also tried to keep it together when I came home and my brother and his hyperactive dog both wanted immediate attention. I could've been better, but I didn't yell, so I could've been worse, too.

So between work and home, there might have been a bit of improvement. I don't know how much, though. I need to figure out how to gauge my sarcasm level.

Halfelven is remorseful with no way to show it

Should be doing instead of blogging: Rereading the archives of Zen Habits and The Urban Monk. Or finding a good therapist.

Here's something I've discovered over the past couple of weeks and has really terrified me: the more I love someone, the more sarcastic/facetious/verbally biting I am to them. I knew I was far from the kindest person in the world, but I've only recently recognized the connection between attempting to express love and giving the appearance of hatred, mainly because I've taken a lot of notice lately of how verbally nasty I am to one person in particular who I really care about. Once I started wondering why an unwanted mean streak shows up so quickly and vehemently in me before I can process it, I started noticing the connection. What the hell?

This is how it works: I'm going through my day, and when I find myself with an opportunity to express how much I care about someone, something inside me switches over, and I find myself throwing nasty comments at them. Damn...that has to make for a long day for some people.

How screwed up is that? Where did I develop this sort of defense mechanism, and why? Am I afraid of dependency? vulnerability? rejection? Am I unconsciously trying to set myself up for failure in all different kinds of relationships? Am I trying to ensure that I'm never attached to anyone in my life? I don't know.

Maybe I should seek professional help for this, but I'm reluctant. I come from a family who believes that most medical treatment is bullshit, and psychology doubly so. I've had the health food, essential oil, think positive mindset drilled into me. Granted, these are also the pray-and-ask-God-to-help-you people, and I have more sense now than to think praying's going to solve emotional issues that I have — it wasn't God that pulled me through my last depression episode. But when you've had that seek-no-help mindset drilled into you for so much of your life, where do you go when you really do need help?

In the meantime, I'm hurting the people I love, and that's killing me.

Halfelven needs sleep

Should be doing instead of blogging: Working on my book. But at least I'm generating some sort of written output.

Insomnia's a bitch. Well, I do eventually get to sleep, but when you have enough days where you've spent a great deal of time tossing and turning in bed, then combine them with a cold and the incoming crimson tide, the result is a fairly sucky week.

I put it to some use this morning, writing some fiction since sleeping wasn't happening, anyway. It's also given me some time to think about many random things. I feel like I haven't made any progress at all towards my goals. Granted, the combination of sleeplessness, sickness, and girl issues can't possibly help me here, but I'm very negative towards myself even on a good week. I'm thinking that instead of beating myself up about having a pile of craft supplies I'm still trying to figure out how to sort and store, or about not making much progress on my book, I need to take some time to work internally and shape up my attitude. After all, how much progress am I going to make if I'm not positive and confident that I can accomplish my goals? If nothing else, maybe it will make me a nicer person.

It's worth a shot, right? I need to develop the specifics of this plan and put it into action.