February 18, 2009

Halfelven is remorseful with no way to show it

Should be doing instead of blogging: Rereading the archives of Zen Habits and The Urban Monk. Or finding a good therapist.

Here's something I've discovered over the past couple of weeks and has really terrified me: the more I love someone, the more sarcastic/facetious/verbally biting I am to them. I knew I was far from the kindest person in the world, but I've only recently recognized the connection between attempting to express love and giving the appearance of hatred, mainly because I've taken a lot of notice lately of how verbally nasty I am to one person in particular who I really care about. Once I started wondering why an unwanted mean streak shows up so quickly and vehemently in me before I can process it, I started noticing the connection. What the hell?

This is how it works: I'm going through my day, and when I find myself with an opportunity to express how much I care about someone, something inside me switches over, and I find myself throwing nasty comments at them. Damn...that has to make for a long day for some people.

How screwed up is that? Where did I develop this sort of defense mechanism, and why? Am I afraid of dependency? vulnerability? rejection? Am I unconsciously trying to set myself up for failure in all different kinds of relationships? Am I trying to ensure that I'm never attached to anyone in my life? I don't know.

Maybe I should seek professional help for this, but I'm reluctant. I come from a family who believes that most medical treatment is bullshit, and psychology doubly so. I've had the health food, essential oil, think positive mindset drilled into me. Granted, these are also the pray-and-ask-God-to-help-you people, and I have more sense now than to think praying's going to solve emotional issues that I have — it wasn't God that pulled me through my last depression episode. But when you've had that seek-no-help mindset drilled into you for so much of your life, where do you go when you really do need help?

In the meantime, I'm hurting the people I love, and that's killing me.

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