Notes From a Halfelven Writer

Halfelven is confused

2009-03-26T21:24:00.004-04:00

Should be doing instead of blogging: Working on my book. I'm making a bit of progress, actually, but you can only make so much progress when you don't have a detailed plan.

Life is such a confusing thing. Just when you think you're getting things figured out, you're thrown something that you're not prepared to deal with. So you fight it for a while, hoping that the situation resolves itself. At some point, you decide that fighting it isn't working, and you go along with things to see how they work out. After all, surely if you just follow the thing through to a conclusion, it'll resolve itself.

Before you know it, things seem out of hand, your friends are all telling you to do the same, perfectly logical thing (which, of course, is different from the perfectly irrational thing you've been doing all this time), and you're trying to figure out how you've gotten into this situation in the first place.

I'm generally a thoughtful, rational person. I'm the one who is always told by many people that I have a good head on my shoulders. Also, while I like to have a line of reasoning to back up my decisions, I also have great intuitions that are usually dead-on. It all seems like a fairly fail-safe combination — when reason fails me, at least I have my instincts, right?

Of course, I've been known to go against my instincts, which usually leads me into some kind of mess. My problem is that because I'm very sensible, I often find myself feeling that I'm too safe, so I decide to take a chance going against my sensibilities. Sometimes it would be useful to be a precog, and see a few months into the future, just to see where my deliberate lapses in judgement will lead me. Hell, right now I'd be happy just seeing what's going to happen next week.

Why does life have to keep getting more and more complicated?

Fear of the unknown — or of the loss of contentment?

2009-03-16T20:24:00.004-04:00

Should be doing instead of blogging: Shredding receipts, maybe? I'm good with sitting here right now.

So it's been a while since my last post. Life has been pretty crazy lately, and every time I think of blogging, I get sidetracked with one thing or another.

I made a connection that has been floating around on the edge of my consciousness, but I couldn't focus in on it until today. It started when my friend linked me to an article on perfectionism — a weakness we both suffer from. Over the past couple of years, I've thought that I've been doing really well taming my perfectionistic inner monster. However, I've noticed that I've either regressed or just still need a great deal of improvement. I think I just need improvement. One thing that doesn't help, though: I'm a self-declared pessimist.

It works like this: I'm working on something, talking about something, or just making a passing comment, and suddenly I'm being told that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. It's something I don't even realise I'm doing. So I start thinking about what I've said, and what I think about myself, and the response I'm getting, and it's a bit depressing. While I am always reading about and looking for ways to improve myself, not only does my perfectionism get in the way, making me feel like I'm not good enough for A, B, or C, but my pessimism convinces me that I'm simply not going to be good enough for anything, either.

When I got to one of my standby wifi spots tonight, I googled "perfectionism and pessimism" to see the connection between them. I found this article that showed me that my pessimism was contributing to my perfectionist's fears. It was interesting to see because I don't usually make the connection. It also let me know that my fears are what hold me back, and that my perfectionism sprouts from the fears rather than the other way around, which is what I thought before.

I think my fears are why I've stayed so clear of things like relationships and huge, risky career decisions like starting my own business. Although I know I'm smart, cute, capable, interesting, have very good instincts, etc., I find myself thinking that I'm nowhere up to the level I need to be to pursue a successful relationship/career/any important personal decision. I've never been the type of person who just jumps into a big decision and hopes for the best — I'm sometimes almost terrified of finding myself in something good but short-lived, because the fear of loss and the hurt from that is something I don't want to face. And this makes me not take the chances I know I should take.

Now I need to go study another article tonight, on overcoming fears.

Death and taxes? Let's hold off on the death bit right now

2009-02-22T00:16:00.005-05:00

Should be doing instead of blogging: Sleeping. Either that or my taxes. I think I'll go to bed after I post this...leave the number crunching for tomorrow.

Why is doing taxes always a pain, even when your situation isn't very complicated? Unfortunately, my mind tends to shut down when I'm doing something that involves calculating numbers. I've been told it's because I'm a writer, because I'm a woman, and because some people just don't have a head for numbers. I don't believe that, but a lifetime of psychology is hard to break. Also, I do remember having a tough time with math during the few years I was in public school. Imagine if I owned that business I have on my future goals list. I'd definitely need an accountant to manage that for me (actually, it's mostly that financial/tax law bit that's kept me from starting up my own business so far. The actual business management part sounds doable, and I could deal with the marketing).

It sounds like something I need to break up into next actions...I really need to buy a new copy of Getting Things Done now that I'm pretty sure I'll never get my own copy back (oh, well, it went to a good cause). Actually, I could stand to break up all my current tasks into next actions. It's definitely time to review GTD.

Family computer maintenance is a bitch

2009-02-20T20:56:00.004-05:00

Should be doing instead of blogging: Putting away the pile of clean laundry in my chair. Bottles of Downy Wrinkle Releaser only do so much.

It's so much easier being nicer when you don't say much during the day and the brother is gone for the evening. However, when you take the opportunity to run maintenance on the family computer, it's time to start working on the "be nice" thing again.

Maintenance on the family computer used to be complete hell. There is a definite Windows Effect that makes the computer slow to a halt within a year (if that) of buying it. When it's a seven year-old Dell, make sure you have a long to-do list of other tasks to go with "maintaining the computer," because you're going to need to keep yourself occupied while you're waiting for the Start menu to open, the program to launch, the command to register, etc.

Did I mention that it's also the tech-savvy person's curse to have family that will encounter every issue you've rarely or never had before? Half of my mom's ripped mp3s skip like scratched CDs, my brother's games mysteriously don't open, and Mom insists that she can't bank online using Firefox, even though I've repeatedly told her I've never had any trouble using Firefox to access the same online banking site.

So when I got the laptop at the beginning of the year, I decided to do a good deed and make my life easier at the same time by lending/pretty much donating my iMac to the family cause. Not only does this help convert the family to Mac, it also drastically cuts down on my maintenance time. How much could they do to a Mac?

Well, one week into having it, they trashed the mouse. I didn't have a problem with that mouse for two years — they have it for a week, and the thing refuses to acknowledge clicking. Good thing I have the Wacom tablet and that mouse, though I've been wanting to scan in my latest character drawing attempts and color them in, which doesn't work well with a laptop trackpad.

Unfortunately, if I want to see my tablet again, they're going to need a mouse. Hopefully I can get them to use part of their Amazon credit towards one.

So I'm trying to improve...

2009-02-19T22:00:00.003-05:00

So I made an honest effort to keep my biting tongue relatively still today, though it wasn't a stunning improvement. There are just so many situations that call for smart-assed comments, and I'm so used to providing that commentary. Of course, I've been known to provide too much commentary.

I think I did all right. At least I was trying to pay attention to what I say, and found that I say some weird things. I also tried to keep it together when I came home and my brother and his hyperactive dog both wanted immediate attention. I could've been better, but I didn't yell, so I could've been worse, too.

So between work and home, there might have been a bit of improvement. I don't know how much, though. I need to figure out how to gauge my sarcasm level.

Halfelven is remorseful with no way to show it

2009-02-18T19:34:00.007-05:00

Should be doing instead of blogging: Rereading the archives of Zen Habits and The Urban Monk. Or finding a good therapist.

Here's something I've discovered over the past couple of weeks and has really terrified me: the more I love someone, the more sarcastic/facetious/verbally biting I am to them. I knew I was far from the kindest person in the world, but I've only recently recognized the connection between attempting to express love and giving the appearance of hatred, mainly because I've taken a lot of notice lately of how verbally nasty I am to one person in particular who I really care about. Once I started wondering why an unwanted mean streak shows up so quickly and vehemently in me before I can process it, I started noticing the connection. What the hell?

This is how it works: I'm going through my day, and when I find myself with an opportunity to express how much I care about someone, something inside me switches over, and I find myself throwing nasty comments at them. Damn...that has to make for a long day for some people.

How screwed up is that? Where did I develop this sort of defense mechanism, and why? Am I afraid of dependency? vulnerability? rejection? Am I unconsciously trying to set myself up for failure in all different kinds of relationships? Am I trying to ensure that I'm never attached to anyone in my life? I don't know.

Maybe I should seek professional help for this, but I'm reluctant. I come from a family who believes that most medical treatment is bullshit, and psychology doubly so. I've had the health food, essential oil, think positive mindset drilled into me. Granted, these are also the pray-and-ask-God-to-help-you people, and I have more sense now than to think praying's going to solve emotional issues that I have — it wasn't God that pulled me through my last depression episode. But when you've had that seek-no-help mindset drilled into you for so much of your life, where do you go when you really do need help?

In the meantime, I'm hurting the people I love, and that's killing me.

Valentine's Day gifts to myself

2009-02-14T15:33:00.002-05:00

Should be doing instead of blogging: Conculturing, like I told myself I was going to do. My plan: go to a coffee shop I've been wanting to go to but hadn't yet, and sitting and working out some of the details of my project setting. Sitting in front of the wall filled with bags of The Eastern Shore Tea Company's products does not lend itself well to undistracted writing.

I told my friends that I was buying myself roses for Valentine's Day, and I got a sympathetic response from the guy in the group. Obviously, he misinterpreted my reasons for buying myself flowers. White and red roses are my favorite flowers, and what better time to buy them than when you're seeing them all over the place? I do not believe that you need to wait for a guy to give you nice flowers. If I was a little bolder, I'd have asked him if he was volunteering to supply me with some white roses, but I'm still working on that timidity issue of mine (yes, even with people that I'm comfortable around). The positive, self-confident Halfelven is still very much in progress.

Anyway, I stopped at the store after work to pick up some food, and spent some time as the only girl in the floral department on the day before Valentine's Day. Unfortunately, the nicest white roses were more expensive than the other roses in the containers sitting in the front of the department, so I bought some light pink ones. After I brought them home, I got an equally sympathetic reaction from my mom, whose eternal hope seems to be that I don't ever have to buy myself flowers again.

Even the nicest people have a tendency to really miss the point of something.

Halfelven needs sleep

2009-02-12T21:27:00.003-05:00

Should be doing instead of blogging: Working on my book. But at least I'm generating some sort of written output.

Insomnia's a bitch. Well, I do eventually get to sleep, but when you have enough days where you've spent a great deal of time tossing and turning in bed, then combine them with a cold and the incoming crimson tide, the result is a fairly sucky week.

I put it to some use this morning, writing some fiction since sleeping wasn't happening, anyway. It's also given me some time to think about many random things. I feel like I haven't made any progress at all towards my goals. Granted, the combination of sleeplessness, sickness, and girl issues can't possibly help me here, but I'm very negative towards myself even on a good week. I'm thinking that instead of beating myself up about having a pile of craft supplies I'm still trying to figure out how to sort and store, or about not making much progress on my book, I need to take some time to work internally and shape up my attitude. After all, how much progress am I going to make if I'm not positive and confident that I can accomplish my goals? If nothing else, maybe it will make me a nicer person.

It's worth a shot, right? I need to develop the specifics of this plan and put it into action.

At least I don't have to spend the day in a bacta tank

2009-02-11T20:12:00.005-05:00

Should be doing instead of blogging: Absolutely nothing. It's my sick day, and if I want to watch The Empire Strikes Back while writing, then I'm going to.

Actually, the problem with sick days that you take when you're actually sick, is that you generally do a whole lot of nothing. I spent the entire day on the couch, surfing the internet and playing Xargon and Commander Keen. It only hit me about an hour ago that I could've watched the Star Wars Trilogy (and then the wtf prequels) today if my head was just slightly clearer this morning to consider it, and if my brother was a little less annoying when I stay home from work.

Now that I think of it, I could've probably gotten him to set up the movies for me and bring me drinks and snacks all day.

Speaking of Star Wars, do you know who Rogue Two was during The Battle of Hoth in Episode V? Zev Senesca. As a SW movie geek (I admit that I don't read many of the books beyond Timothy Zahn's), I've failed for not knowing that. Okay, so it's not going to ruin my life, but it's going to stick with me for the next couple of weeks.

Sometimes halfelves get sick, too

2009-02-10T23:09:00.003-05:00

Should be doing instead of blogging: Sleeping. If only I could.

Spent all day at work helping tie up a major loose end to a big project. Since I've had some lovely trouble sleeping, and thought it might be a good idea to start limiting my caffeine consumption just a little (I sure do pick great days for these brilliant ideas), I was tired and pretty miserable all morning. A few hours after riding the high of a lunchtime caffeine boost from a bottle of soda that you couldn't have pried away from me, I figured that I was starting to feel the crash.

Apparently not.

Luckily, I had the sense to pick up some cold medicine on the way home, and crashed not long after I got home. Unfortunately, now I can't get back to sleep. So here I am, typing away and updating a Facebook that someone set me up with a year or two ago, and I've never even looked at.

Hopefully, I can get some sleep and feel well enough to get to work tomorrow. Not that taking a sick day would kill me — and my coworkers would probably appreciate it.

Damn the Valentine's Day mindset

2009-02-09T23:38:00.007-05:00

Should be doing instead of blogging: So many things. Screw it.

It's not something I tend to write about, but I won't write too many of these. Scribe, if you're checking this still, don't kill me for my obsessing. ;-)

Quirkyalones are militant Romantics. It takes courage to keep holding out when you are told that you are holding out for an ideal that does not exist.. -Sasha Cagen

I picked up Cagen's book Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics from the library booksale a couple of years ago. It was going to be altered book fodder, but I started reading it, and liked it well enough to keep it in my library. So much of it sounds so much like me. It's nice to know there are other people with my views on relationships and singleness. Before I read the book, I felt like I was living a great oxymoron: I'm generally a contentedly single romantic.

Being (usually) contentedly single makes me very different from my sister, who never seems to be happy unless she has a boyfriend. Between boyfriends, she'll date nearly any guy who looks interested in her. When she's in a relationship, she mocks my decidedly single life. Unlike her, I have never been in a romantic relationship, and in a bit short of twenty-five years, have only had two major crushes/attractions/what the hell do you call them when they're more than just nice eyes and sweet personalities? It doesn't make me better than her, but I'm very happy I don't feel a need to have a man at my side the way she seems to.

Because I'm obviously not typical relationship material, I probably give the impression that I'm not a romantic and want to be alone for the rest of my life. Not true. I am such a terrible, hopeless, undying romantic, and would very much like someone else to share my life with. My view of romance, though, is not clichè.

I don't like diamonds, am not incredibly keen on chocolate, and have a very aggressive defense mechanism towards greeting card-style sentimentality. Show me you love me — don't just give me a card. I am also extraordinarily picky, with a mental list of mate criteria that ranges from important things like his personality, his interests, and an ability to spark in me the desire to be a better person (and for me to do the same for him), to the more superficial characteristics of age range, height and build, and whether he's likely to grey nicely and keep at least most of his hair. I suppose that strong instincts and a love of the fantastic contributes to my unconventional romanticism as well.

Sometimes, though, unconventional romanticism gets a bit lonely. I have to be careful not to fall into depression during the lonely times. I'm also notorious for making excessive efforts to "snap myself back to reality," which leads me to unconsciously sabotage myself and/or excessively analyze and criticize myself the moment I find myself noticing a guy I might be interested in. Know The White Stripes' song "A Martyr for My Love for You"? Much of it sounds like something I would say. I can see myself very easily getting scared and running in fear that I'm letting my active, romantic imagination get the best of me.

So, where's that fine line between romantic obsession/infatuation/overactive imagination, and something solid to hold on to? There has to be something solid out there, right? Am I pushing it away, fearing it might be instability that I'm mistaking for stability? I feel too often like I'm afraid of screwing up, so I don't live.

Halfelven's getting girly. Be afraid?

2009-02-08T01:40:00.004-05:00

Should be doing instead of blogging: Sleeping. Workweek lack of sleep is a killer on the weekend.

I'm slowly going from an indifferent female to an actual girl. I now have a new category of stuff to keep organized: makeup and cosmetics.

Wait...Halfelven wears makeup?

Yes, this is one of those believe-it-or-not things in life. I've gone beyond the CoverGirl concealer stick and pressed powder compact to better quality and (unfortunately for my cheap nature) more expensive concealers and powder compacts. And I'm almost always wearing some kind of lipstick or lip stain. And I have an actual collection of nail polish, though it's very infrequently worn due to my impatience with painting it on, touching it up, waiting for it to dry, having it chip the next day, etc. Eyeshadow is worn only once every week or two, but I'm amassing a collection of that, too, and use it more frequently, now that I know how to apply it.

My hair and skincare supplies have also improved. I buy more salon-quality haircare products, and have currently left the world of Clean and Clear in my teens and college days. Needless to say, I get a lot of points lately from Ulta.com.

Thanks to this new habit, I've created a collection that I now have to organize. Sure, it's considerably smaller than many women's makeup, skincare, and haircare collections, but it no longer fits lined up on a shelf in my medicine cabinet. Add that I'm the type of person who needs to keep duplicates in her bag so that she can apply part of her makeup on the way to work, and suddenly I have a lot of crap to keep in order. Right now, the small, clear plastic box method is partly working, but it may be tackle box time for the eyeshadow and nail polish and makeup brushes.

Is it the end of my minimalism goal? Like with my craft supplies, it looks like I just need to prioritize, find out what is important, and what is just taking up space. If I can keep it organized, and if I use it and like it, then, like with the craft supplies, I have no problem with keeping it.

Lately, when I'm thinking about my minimalism goal and my decluttering goals, I'm happy with bringing them back to the forefront of my mind. I'm not depressed about the craft supplies multiplying and springing up again, or having a new collection of items to organize. One day, I'll get to the point where I can fit my belongings in just a couple of bags and be happy that way. As long as I'm actually working on my goals, I'm fine right now.

Halfelven needs to write more

2009-02-05T23:50:00.006-05:00

Should be doing instead of blogging: Organizing those sewing patterns. Instead, I'm eating kumquats, blogging, and playing Legend of Zelda. Like with the mysterious green pudding stuff that the sushi mart people included with my dinner order last night, I don't know what I think of the kumquats yet.

There are two things that I know about myself: I'm damn good at what I want to be good at, and I'm determined.

Okay, that was one of those positive affirmations rather than bragging about myself.

I've heard that it's a good idea to stand in front of a mirror and repeat good things about yourself. It's supposed to drive the positive thoughts into your head so that you're less likely to sabotage your personal development with negative thoughts, but I'm not the type of person who stands in front of a mirror and says positive things. I've also been known to go through most of a day without even looking in a mirror, so releasing a statement onto the internet is probably more effective for me than that mirror gazing crap.

Back to why I need a visual affirmation right now. I feel like I'm losing focus on some of my projects. Back when I started this blog (before I dropped it and forgot about it for over a year), the primary issues in my life were staying organized, writing fiction, and advancing in my job. Now that my work life is going well, I would expect that my writing output would increase, and my surroundings would be spotless.

Screw that.

I think my English degree killed my ability to write fiction with abandon. When I was in high school, I worked on a writing project about a character in my ever-evolving constructed universe. By the time I abandoned that project for something else, I had at least 20 pages' worth of text written in single-spaced, 10pt Times New Roman. While I've always spent a great deal of my background thought processes on my conculture project, I've recently noticed that most of my notes stopped during my sophomore year of college. Now that I'm actively working on it again, I find myself starting to type, then saying things like, "Is this symbolic? How is this conflict a commentary on the society I live in? Is this a commentary on society? How often has this sort of story been done? My writing really sucks, anyway."

This criticism I have for my writing is bullshit.

If there's one thing I know that I'm great at, it's writing. Is my fiction Nebula quality? I don't know. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm a good writer in general.
The books that I like to read are not books that I read in my classes. The stories that I like to write are stories I wouldn't be studying in any of my literature classes. Shakespeare, Joyce, and Woolf are great authors in many respects, but my fascination with a local used bookstore's collection of old dime store science fiction novels demonstrates my free-time reading preferences.
Sitting in front of a blank screen and whining about my writing doesn't get publishable material produced. While I don't strive to be a prolifically published writer, I'd like to publish something beyond the material in my college's literary magazine. It's more of a personal gratification thing for me — being able to say that not only do I write, but I'm published, too.
Again, I'm determined. I can write something good if I damn well want to. I'm the type of person who sees something that she wants, focuses on it, and won't stop until she has it. It's more of a reaction that I get when I find something I truly want, instead of something I force myself to do when something looks interesting. Granted, I've found out that this approach doesn't work in all situations — sometimes you just don't have control over the circumstances that will lead to you having what you want. But writing well isn't one of those powerless situations.

Just wanted to throw that out there so that if anyone finds it, they can be subject to this rant by choice. I throw enough random rants at the poor ~~victims~~ people I see regularly. Now off to work on my current writing project, before tonight's caffeine high wears off.

Wait...I still have a blog?

2009-02-01T20:49:00.005-05:00

Wow...I thought I'd deleted this at least a year ago. Reading back a few posts, I realised I stopped while still trying to implement GTD, write my novel, and work my way to a decent position at my job. Oooh...I kept a blog going for two months. I am so proof that a person who loves to write does not necessarily love to post things regularly.

That aside, let's see how I've been doing since the last half of 2007...

Reorganizing/Decluttering: I considered my major decluttering project accomplished in November 2007, which pleased me to no end. If I was half as obsessive, however, about keeping my living space clean as I've been about keeping my workspaces clean, I'd be an organization empress. But I'm not, so I'm not. That mass decluttering project from a little over a year ago worked wonders, though, and while I may find myself buried in some clutter from time to time, It's nothing compared to the mountains of junk that had to contribute to my post-graduation depression. I'm due for a GTD reread, though I recently lent the book out to a friend of mine, and may not see it again for a while. Ah, well, there are always blogs written by GTD disciples that I can follow.
Novel: Still working on it, though it looks nothing like it did back over a year ago when I started on the project. The setting and the characters are a lot more interesting, for one thing. I attempted NaNoWriMo this past November, and even went with a friend to a couple of the write-ins. Grand total word count: about 5,000. Better luck next year? Maybe I'll make it to 10k and find myself at 20% of the word goal. It's not my highest priority, admittedly, but I keep it alive.
Work: I was supposedly promoted...to Hell. I went from receptionist (which was okay, but boring) to copy girl (which was more interesting, and had an archiving reorganization project that would've taken me the rest of my career and I'd have been happy to work on) to somebody's admin assistant (I think I was transported to some inner circle of Hell). A dead July afternoon at the bookstore was more interesting than a "busy" day as this guy's assistant — I swear he just wanted some chick to sit there and look good in front of his office. I've got better things to do with my life, so I got myself a new job, and I'm currently pretty happy with my work life. I'm busy and doing things where my obsessive tendencies are welcomed.

Right now, my looming issue is a pile of craft supplies sitting in the corner of my room. Oooh, what a surprise. The single-closet-and-clear-box solution works very well for me, but everything can use tweaking, especially if the system's been going for a while. Sewing is my current interest on my craft rotation, so my clothing-in-progress, fabric stash, and notions are the focus of my decluttering efforts. I'd probably have it done this week, but now that I have a bit of a social life that developed since I've been with this new company, sometimes I figure that decluttering my craft supplies can wait for a bit.

Well, cool...I still have a blog. Since I am both a writer and an internet addict, let's mess with this for a while. Or at least until I get bored and move on to something else for a year.

Filing Doesn't Have to be Scary

2007-10-24T21:49:00.001-04:00

It's my front desk partner-in-crime's first day on a two-week vacation and I also managed to muck up my boss' office supply order, giving me more work for the afternoon. Therefore, today was a little more hectic than usual, and left me little time for continuing my Snowflake novel planning. I did, however, take the time at lunch to read a bit about antagonists to see if I could fix my shallow "bad guy" a bit. The pocket in the back of my moleskine filled to bulging until I could bring my notes home to transfer them to the computer.

On the non-work/writing front, I also get to tuck those notes into a special file folder in my **new** filing system. It's been about a week since I set it up, and I'm still amazed at just how useful a general reference filing system is. Instead of having a pile of writing notes, sushi recipes and organizing ideas cluttering up my desk, it's neatly stored away and easily accessible. Before reading GTD, I only thought of a filing system as something to stick my banking and credit card statements in. It's incredible to not only put things in their places, but also know that new things are easily assigned places, too.

Here are some things I've learned from rereading about filing in my now dog-eared copy of GTD:

A folder for a weird category isn't stupid if you have material for it
Folders hang better in open-bottom filing drawers if you only have one manila folder in each hanging folder
Hanging folders are a pain, and only worth the trouble if you have an open-bottom filing drawer
Folder labels made with a labelmaker look so nice and uniform in a filing drawer
Both the files and the filing supplies must be easy to reach if you want to keep up on your system
You probably don't need half the crap in your evil "to file" pile
Comfortable old chairs are for reading in, not for the "to file" pile (well, I indirectly learned this one after I cleared the junk out of one of my major piling hotspots, discovered that it really was a chair, and moved it so I could easily reach it)

I'm not completely contented with my living space yet, but it's a lot more comfortable. I'm still trying to figure out how I managed to spend so much of my life living in so much mess.

Tougher than Decluttering

2007-10-18T21:43:00.000-04:00

This is where I jump from decluttering and to another goal: writing the damn novel.

The thing that makes novel writing so difficult actually isn't that you have to write the thing. Writing is easy. I sit at the front desk and write pages on slow afternoons...it's one of the few things I really like about my current position in that company. I write at home. I write while I'm waiting somewhere, if I'm not reading.

It's the focusing on what you're writing part that makes novel writing so hard. I have to force myself to stand still for a moment and say "What part of this vast universe that I've created shall I write about?"

And then I have to figure out who I'm writing about, and that's harder. When you've been steadily conculturing since you were eight, you amass so many characters that you forget more of them than you could possibly fill a book with. Considering I've been conculturing and trying to find character storylines since I was eight, forgetting a great number of characters can be a good thing (at least the two or so that did survive have evolved so much that the only way I know that they came from those old drafts is because I created them in the first place).

So, I've decided against officially joining NaNoWriMo since I've already started on my latest attempt at picking a spot and person to write about. This attempt is fueled by Randy Ingermanson's Snowflake Method, which I'm currently thrilled with simply because it's helped me pinpoint that person and spot thing, as well as help me work through a storyline that doesn't sound completely lame. Time will tell on that one, though.

So there's yet another goal of mine. I'll make sure it's on the list, between "Declutter Living Space" and "Invest in Mutual Fund".

Giving Instead of Trashing

2007-10-15T20:38:00.000-04:00

Well, I forgot about Blog Action Day until I logged into Google Reader today. Go figure. I did read about it last week on zenhabits, but then promptly forgot, even after getting excited about it. Time to review capturing ideas again in GTD. But with a little more than an hour left of Blog Action Day, I present my contribution, meager and ill-prepared as it is.

I'm no green role model for society...I have to admit I'm not very green at all. I eat a lot of organic and natural foods because that's what my mom buys and brings home, so that's what's there when I raid the fridge. My dying but current car is a gas guzzler. Mom uses essential oil blends for much of her cleaning and sanitizing, but the closest thing I have to that is baking soda and vinegar for unclogging the drain, and a spray bottle of Method all-purpose cleaner.

But I've noticed that some habits I've been developing over the past month and a half are environmentally beneficial, even if I wasn't thinking of them that way. Since early September, I've committed myself to seriously decluttering my living space and reducing the amount of stuff I own. At first, I felt bad because I was throwing a lot of things away (and learned a valuable lesson about dealing with junk mail as it comes into my life — not five years later when I find it shoved in a box). However, I've given a great deal of things away, mostly to a mission store that will send my bags of unwanted fabric and yarn to a place where people will turn them into warm quilts and socks for themselves for the winter. I've also been trading some things on SwitchPlanet, though I'm still working up the nerve to introduce myself on the boards and get to know some people there (sometimes it's a pain being an introvert).

I think that the important thing to remember while decluttering is that even though your unwanted possessions are of no more use to you, many of them are probably very useful to someone else. Don't trash what isn't trash — recycle it by donating it to a mission store or a shelter, trade it with someone else, or find someone who you know would love it. This way, the stuff you don't want is still circulating and not sitting in some landfill, doing nothing for anyone. Mom knows a little craft-loving girl, and gave at least a box worth of my old supplies to her to play with...I had no idea this girl liked crafting, and would've loved to just randomly receive a box of secondhand supplies to play with at her age. Just don't throw actual trash in the donation boxes, okay (my family has always been careful about this, but I've heard of too many people who throw unusable junk into mission boxes)? And recycle the recyclables, but that's a given.

Progress through Confetti

2007-10-10T23:01:00.000-04:00

Observation of the week: decluttering is so much easier with a good paper shredder close at hand.

Now that I'm to the last bit of visible clutter in my room (my bathroom's another story that'll have to be dealt with later), I find myself procrastinating on finishing it. It's my perfectionism kicking in, or so FlyLady tells me. I don't want to finish something because it's not done perfectly. I've been a lot better at recognizing that since I admitted it to myself sometime last year, though actually finishing something is still a lot harder for me than starting something.

But back to procrastination and paper shredders. One thing that gives me the perfect procrastination excuse is the shredding pile. I have some perfectly normal junk mail in there, but among the more ridiculous things I had earlier in this pile was countless credit card offers unopened and dating back to before I started college. Considering I'm well established as a graduate, I think it's time to get rid of them. However, the household paper shredder is super cheap, only shreds five pages at a time, and its bin fills up far too quickly. I spent a good few hours one weekend this past summer just going through and shredding the two-crates-full "to shred" pile. I found a lot more things to shred when I went through my craft supplies. Maybe my biggest source of mess wasn't the craft supplies after all.

Well, I've recognized for some time that I won't regularly go out to the family room and shred my junk mail, so I finally went out after work one day this week and bought Staples' Mailmate shredder. I haven't owned it a full week, and it's already well worth the money I spent on it. I don't even have to open the AmEx offers, and I can run the old backup CDs through without taking the extra time to scratch the label and/or cut the disc apart. Because of this, I haven't had paper and CD crap laying all over my desk this week. The only pain about the shredder is that the basket is small, so I have to empty it often. Hopefully emptying it won't happen so often once I get my papers and discs more under control.

2007-10-05T21:24:00.000-04:00

It's nearly official: I've moved all of my giveaway boxes into the car so they can go out tomorrow. I still can't believe I maintained the discipline to go through each of those craft boxes and completely process them to empty.

The amount of space in the room is great. There's a good feeling about it, because it doesn't exist simply because I've shoved everything into the closet. Granted, I still need to go through my clothes again (I'm due for another wardrobe purging), and I haven't worked on the bathroom, yet, but there's something about knowing that the majority of your possessions have a place.

There's still a lot to do. Now, I have to go through my non-crafty possessions. However, I have fewer of those (and if I don't, it sure feels like I do), so I don't feel like this will take an eternity. Now to maintain the discipline to carry this through to a comfortably tidy living space.

A Step Forward, A Couple of Steps Back

2007-10-02T21:40:00.000-04:00

I need a Switch box for my SwitchPlanet stuff, if only to keep it separate from the thrift store stuff. Until I took just five minutes to look over my bookshelves, I didn't realise I had so many books I could so easily get rid of. Friends who keep every book they've ever read are going to think I've really gone off the organizational deep end this time.* Those books need to go on there soon...the CDs I have listed are dwindling.

I played hooky from the gym today, planning to use the time to do some more decluttering (or at least moving the stuff I'm getting rid of to my car so I can take it to the thrift store). However, Dad was all about watching the Cavemen premiere, and I got sucked into that and Carpoolers out of morbid curiosity, which is unusual for me. TV's a strange thing: you may not watch more than one or two shows for months at a time, but once you're in front of the TV for something else, you realise you've just wasted an hour watching sitcoms you couldn't care less about.

I think I may possibly have more things I don't want out in the open than things I want. I'm up to 9-10 boxes, and several bags of fabric. I really need to make that donation trip soon.

*Note to ~~Scribe~~ the friends who keep every book they've ever read: that's not an insult, I swear. Although...think of the room you'd have for new books if you cleared out some old ones! ;-D

Decluttering Milestone Reached!

2007-09-30T18:26:00.000-04:00

The craft closet is officially cleaned out! I haven't been this thrilled since I got the new job earlier this year. *note to self: get life*

One thing I noticed as I was sorting was that the higher the shelf that I pulled the box from, the fewer items I wanted out of the box. That closet has five shelves. I kept almost nothing that I pulled off the top two. I had the shelves put in at least a year ago, and I didn't sort through and purge my long-kept supplies before I started throwing stuff into the newly-shelved closet, so some of this forgotten junk has taken up space in this room for at least a couple of years. Some of it has been around even longer. I'm still trying to figure out why I allowed myself to waste that much space with so much junk for so long. It's very unproductive, even if it is stashed away in a closet. I may not see it all the time, but I know it's there, creating mental clutter as well as visual clutter. Eww.

I was asked a question recently: "So, if you're getting rid of a lot of your craft supplies, does this mean you're going to craft less?" No. Crafting is one of my major hobbies. What I don't want to do is have so much stuff around that I can't find the good stuff in my stash. I'd rather keep a smaller stash fresh than sift through a lot of lousy stuff I've been holding onto for years. After all, what good is a crafting stash if you don't use it?

The Accidental GTDer

2007-09-28T23:59:00.000-04:00

My take on the 100 Thing Challenge has been going well this week. I've managed to sort through at least one box every day after work. The things inside go in their appropriate labeled boxes, the giveaway box, the reference box or the trash — and it's my first time I haven't made a "Deal With It Later" pile/box/grocery bag. I go shelf by shelf in my closet, pulling out the next box that needs sorting. Then I sort it from top to bottom, one item at a time, without putting any item back into the box that I just pulled it from. I just need to take this bit by bit so I don't burn out halfway through sorting this time.

The only thing I've been disappointed about this week is that my sudden need to declutter my craft stash interfered with the beginning stages of implementing GTD. No, really. My inbox is buried in craft supplies. So while I was at work yesterday, thinking about how I was failing miserably in my attempt to Get Things Done, I suddenly realised that I wasn't failing as miserably as I thought. Here's why:

Before I pulled the fabric boxes out from under the bed and took the bed apart, I visualized exactly what I wanted my end result to be for this project — a clean, tidy, even somewhat minimalist living space. I knew what I was going for before I started forming my plans.
I decided on my next action before starting: sort through the series of boxes by placing things in the keep boxes, giveaway boxes, reference box, or trash. This project consists of far more than this seemingly endless sorting.
Everything is sorted without advance thought to which boxes are easiest to sort through. If I pull out an easy box, cool. If I don't, it's sorted anyway.
The only things going back into the craft closet are clearly labeled clear plastic boxes containing things I want enough to keep (part of my project goal). They are not placed on unsorted shelves.

It's clumsy as far as GTD is concerned, but this somewhat GTD-influenced system is a lot easier and more efficient than any of my previous attempts. I think it's still a decent start for a fairly clueless beginner. Now to work on sorting so that I can find my inbox again.

Repellent for the IKEA Bug (somewhat)

2007-09-25T22:40:00.000-04:00

Don’t you wish you had a dime for every thing pictured in the IKEA Catalog? Not just the IKEA furniture and frames and rugs and cabinets and dishes and bath towels, but also all the stuff that IKEA’s way over attractive Scandinavian models litter their houses with. --Dave Bruno

I think I got my catalog at least a week after he got his, but I still fell victim temporarily to the IKEA syndrome, flipping through the pages while sitting at my corner workstation, resisting the urge to pull a stack of post-its from the matching drawer unit and mark all of the impossibly awesome items that would give me that shopping rush if I could go buy them. IKEA has proven that anything sounds cooler if it has a Swedish name, even if it sounds just like an English name (but it's from IKEA, so we know it's a Swedish name, right?). And nearly every piece of furniture in my room is from IKEA. So the question is: why am I not impossibly awesome (or at least cool)?! Reason #121 to not trust in possessions to identify you: when they become old news, you're screwed.

Anyway, back to the IKEA bug and reading Dave Bruno's post...

I had to remind myself that I'd have to bring the stuff home, assemble it, and find a spot for it within my living space. And that buying and keeping a lot of things defeats my minimalist living space goal. And of the reminder of that in the "IKEA 2008 Catalog - Ambivalence Never Looked So Good" on stuckinstuff.

So my bookcases are filled up? I need to put some of the books up on SwitchPlanet this week rather than buy a new bookcase to squeeze into this space. My extra craft supplies could fit into sweet, stylish boxes? I'm not going to use all of my stash, anyway, so I may as well give a good deal of it up and make real use of all of those Sterlite boxes I found so cheaply. And it's not like my Target sheets are going to defile my Alvine Bär quilt cover, making it necessary to pick up some textiles the next time I make my pilgrimage to the big blue and yellow building.

So it's time to close the catalog yet again and be happy with what I have in my possession already (and what I will soon not have in my possession, too). Thanks, Dave. You may have saved me from overdraft fees and/or another month with high credit card bills.

The 100 Thing Challenge Modified for a Crafty Halfelven

2007-09-24T20:19:00.000-04:00

My weekend started with processing my inbox, but the inbox itself was quickly buried with craft supplies when I took the bed out of my room and stuck the mattress on the floor. Somehow, even with all the stuff that was under the bed pulled out and piled around the room, the floor still looks clearer. Maybe it's just the new arrangement, and the bulk from the bed removed. The simplicity of the mattress on the floor probably lends to the cleaner appearance.

Since I have to do something with all of this stuff in my room, and I'm still intrigued by the 100 Thing Challenge, I've decided to clear some of it out once and for all. But 100 things seem too few when I knit, sew, make journals, embroider, and keep a bunch of basic supplies for those and other crafts. So I've decided to modify the 100 Thing Challenge into the 1 Closet Challenge.

Here are my rules:

As long as it fits on my craft closet shelves, it can stay.
It needs to (preferably) be neatly contained in a labeled plastic box. I have several of these, and I can fit three to a shelf. I also have smaller ones in the same style, but they can stack on top of the large boxes on the same shelf.
I must clearly label the box. I've thrown too many random things into a box because it wasn't clearly labeled.
My exceptions: I have two under-the-bed boxes that I bought this year and they won't fit into the closet. I'll allow supplies in these, and store them in the basement, since I used the boxes to store fabric when they were still under the bed. So it's not a "pure" one closet challenge, but it comes close for me.

I've been doing decently since Sunday. Two of the five shelves are cleaned and the formerly messy, piled up, overflowing paper and plastic boxes are labeled and contain similar items. I've found a good deal of trash in those boxes, as well as many things that I either didn't want or didn't need. After all, if I have two interchangable needle sets and can do magic loop, why do I also need several pair of straight needles and DPNs? I've yet to go through my sewing notions so thoroughly, but at least they fit into one box. And I have several shopping bags full of fabric to give away, and found a place that will take it and put it to good use.

So I think I'm off to a good start.

The 100 Thing Challenge and Me? Maybe

2007-09-19T23:45:00.000-04:00

One more quick thing before I go to bed:

I first heard of Dave Bruno's 100 Thing Challenge when I read about it on Unclutterer, and was intrigued. There was a post about it today (technically, yesterday, since it's now past midnight) on Zen Habits, too, which reminded me of it again. Since work is just so exciting lately (it's bad when you stare at the phone and try to will people on the other end of a line to call so you can transfer them and have something to do for ten seconds), I grabbed a pen and pad to try to work out how to apply the 100 Thing Challenge to my possessions in some form — at least where my insane amount of craft supplies is concerned.

I'm trying to convince myself that I don't need crafting tools for every craft I've ever tried, because some I just won't do again, and I put the results of some crafts to more practical use than other crafts. I'd like to incorporate my own mutation of the challenge into the overwhelming craft supply aspect of my organizational goals.

I don't have a great deal of strategy yet for a next action, but right now, it's too late for me to form strategies. Good night.

Checking Out GTD

2007-09-19T22:45:00.001-04:00

I'm not a GTDer yet, but from what I'm seeing so far, I like David Allen's system.

After seeing GTD come up in a lot of places, getting curious about the GTD cards in the Hipster PDA templates I found and was playing with a while ago, and because of my natural attraction to an interesting-looking productivity system, I bought the book I've had on my mental wishlist for months now.

I've been reading for the past two days, either on lunch break, in that block of time I have between work and aerobics class, and in the evening before I go to bed (not so much then...since I got this job, I haven't been so keen on staying up until 2 a.m. and now I find I'd be happy to be asleep by 11 or 11:30 most days...now to convince myself that's a good thing and actually do it). Tomorrow, when I'm more awake and don't have somewhere to be after work, I'm going to collect as much as I can in two hours and put it into my "in" box.

It has to be worth a shot. For one thing, Allen advocates the use of a label maker, and I've wanted one of those since I was a little kid, anyway. That little detail currently puts him on my "cool author" list (which is also currently contained in my head). I've put off that purchase for years, since I'm so cheap, anyway, so here was an excuse (whee! productivity tools!). It's probably a good thing I didn't have a label maker back when I was heavily conlanging, though, or I'd have labelled everything in different forms of constructed elvish.

Paper is heavy

2007-09-14T20:45:00.000-04:00

In my quest for less stuff, I used a block of downtime at work to work out my "Data Management System," as I'm calling it right now. I have a chest full of notebooks from my worldbuilding projects going back at least ten years, scraps of paper with "useful information" all over my desk, and scraps of paper that I like to call "altered book ephemera" as my excuse to keep it all. I don't want to lose this information, but I do want it more consolidated and less all-over-the-place.

During this chunk of downtime, I decided that the best way to manage the data was to transfer it into the computer, put it on a disc, etc. Digital media takes up far less room, and by the time the CD itself degrades, I'll have most likely either transferred the information elsewhere or no longer want it. Lots of wins in this idea.

There's only one problem: scanning ten years' or more of notebooks (and hoping the scanner picks up the pencil-written text...why couldn't I have felt comfortable writing with a pen sooner?), transferring "useful information" from little scraps of paper, and actually parting with at least some of the altered book ephemera stash. I started with some of the loose worldbuilding papers I had mixed in with the notebooks, and the amount I scanned last night before bed doesn't equal a notebook's worth.

This may take a while.

Back to the old habits

2007-09-12T20:03:00.001-04:00

I've been working this week on establishing systems so that I don't have to think about the routine things I do. Lately, just my routines (or my lack thereof) start to zap my energy, and I end up just wasting time in front of the computer. Now, I know I don't have to live like this...I did well when I kept a Control Journal when I followed FlyLady's system. However, after I stopped FlyLady's system (sometime after I unsubscribed from her list...the email clutter was getting stressful), the daily routines that kept me going gradually stopped.

So recently, after discovering Zen Habits, I read the article Streamlining Your Life and said to myself, "Hey! I do this! Did...something like this...at some point...though now it's hardly there." On a positive note, making my bed in the morning and laying out my clothes the night before stuck even after many of the other routines I established fell apart.

Anyway, as I was reading, I remembered why routines (Leo at Zen Habits calls them "systems", and I like the sound of that for whatever reason) are so useful: they keep you from having to stress over the everyday things. When you're not wasting energy stressing over the constant things like errand running, laundry and remembering when your appointments are, you get to use that energy doing something useful and enjoyable, like decorating, altering books or using the gym membership you took out and have only used once in the past two and a half weeks. It's a bit of structure to free up creative time, which satisfies both sides of my fairly balanced brain.

I started re-establishing my own systems, taking into account the changes that have happened in life over the past several months, and even started following the ones I've revisited. Life's already starting to feel saner.

Now to get that gym time in.

Perchance To Dream (Or To At Least Sleep)

2007-09-10T21:47:00.000-04:00

Despite the negative feel of the post and some of the comments, I'd love to have something like this instead of the ugly This End Up bed I've had since I was old enough to start sleeping in a bed (of course, anything from This End Up is ugly, and their chairs look incredibly uncomfortable).

Mom wants me to go buy a new bed so we can bunk my current one with my brother's ugly This End Up bed so he can have an ugly This End Up bunk bed set in his room. I'd love a bed that took up as little space as possible, so I measured my alcove and then looked at bed dimensions online and at Ikea (because I love cheap fiberboard furniture from Sweden, I guess). The smallest things I can find are just too wide for the alcove. I keep telling her a bed isn't a priority for me...I'd sleep on an air mattress or wrapped in a blanket on the floor. I'd probably be just fine, and it's one less piece of furniture taking up space. You won't find me sleeping in the bathtub, however.

Of course, have to find storage for the fabric and the yarn if I find sleeping on the floor comfortable enough to ditch the bed, but I also need to get rid of most of the craft supplies in the closet, anyway.

Dreaming of Minimalism

2007-09-07T00:53:00.000-04:00

A couple of years ago, I told Scribe that I would love to have a minimalist living space. As is her custom when I announce my latest improbable idea, she sounds encouraging, but gives me a look that says, "Yeah, good luck with that." Still, after reading ZenHabits' A Guide to Creating a Minimalist Home, I'd love to clear out my living space and make it feel more open and peaceful.

Of course, this is hard to do when you have one bedroom, one bathroom, and enough craft supplies to last two lifetimes. Of course, the person who dies with the most craft supplies just leaves a big mess for those still living to clean up, so I've been trying to thin the stash out while at the same time finding new homes for it so I'm not trashing perfectly good craft supplies. That's kind of hard to do when your friends are trying to limit their own stashes, though.

I was trying to clear some things out this week, and did well until I got sick over the past two days. Now that I'm feeling better, it's time to clear more unneeded stuff out. After sleep and work, though. I should've been in bed an hour ago.

Come Bearing Gifts...

2007-09-03T22:57:00.000-04:00

I generally spend more money on a gift for a person I don't know too well than I do on a gift for a good friend.

With a friend, it's the little things that generally mean more, especially if it deals with some kind of inside joke. Also, being the (somewhat insane) DIY-er I am, I usually end up making things for my friends. How many promises of half-constructed items I've also given is another story altogether. But generally, I do all right with the gift situation.

When I need gifts for people I don't know well, I'm reluctant to make something for them, because I have little idea what they like, and for some reason, I'd rather spend a bit of money on something they'd potentially not like than spend time. Of course, when I stop to think that the money comes from time working, it sometimes equals about the same amount.

And when receiving a gift I'm not too thrilled about, I feel a little more awkward if I receive a disliked handmade gift, since I know someone took some time to make it instead of just picking up something from Target or Kohls. Maybe I'm weird that way, or maybe I think back to Mrs. M's Red Heart acrylic crocheted slippers when I was a kid, which I attempted wearing to be nice, but couldn't wear for long because they were so uncomfortable to run around in. She was a true granny-craft lady, but it's the thought that counts (so I kept telling myself as I went around...*step**ow**step**ow**step**ow*).

But gift ranting aside, I must now stick a note in my purse so I remember to pick up some things tomorrow for a double wedding shower at work. Ugh...not being DIY about it isn't too great on the still rather small wallet.

Procrastinators Unite...Tomorrow

2007-09-02T23:34:00.000-04:00

Well, I've just spent a good bit of time playing with the new blog instead of sorting through a mountain of craft supplies that I really have to reduce by half. But the craft supplies are scary and the blog is not scary, so I'm playing with the blog.

I need to find myself a new template, though I think I lack motivation to write my own right now. I kinda like the one I picked from Blogger's template selection. It's not very romantigoth of me, but whatever. I'll probably end up searching for templates sometime this week.

Whee...it's Labor Day and I'm actually not working! People at the office still look at me like I'm crazy when I say something like, "Really? We're really off on [insert holiday most normal people are off on]? All day? Awesome!" I like being away from retail.

Okay, I must go back to the craft supply mountain. *turns on Shallow Grave as background noise and tells herself she really needs to buy Revengers Tragedy*

I came, I saw, I started another blog

2007-09-02T22:26:00.000-04:00

After several months of occasional posts to confirm I wasn't dead, and with the webspace bill and domain renewal time approaching, I decided that Envisioned Reality's paid space just wasn't worth keeping, and shut down my space after about two years of uneventful posting.

However, the obsessive need to own a blog hit me as early as the bit of time between filling out the ER cancellation form and the actual shut-down date. So here I am on blogspot, because it's easy to set up, I like Blogger and was posting for ER from my blogger account, and Blogspot's free. :-)

I'm not attempting the "craft blog" thing again, because then posting pictures will be a hassle (if only my camera had Bluetooth), and it'll mostly consist of me saying I haven't finished one project, I've started a new project, another project has fallen by the wayside, etc. So with this blog, anyone who stops by or stumbles on it falls victim to whatever is on my mind. Ha, so there.

We'll see how it goes.